Charles Clarke gets the swab done as some of the instant winners look on in the background

A new government initiative has been launched this week to give every UK resident the chance to win great prizes in exchange for a tiny amount of DNA.

The Swab for Prizes program, which starts today, promises to be a real hit with the British public, who will have a chance to win a number of great prizes including low police harrasment, easy access in and out of the country, i-pods, shortened hospital waiting times, George Forman Grills and much more.

The entry process is extremely easy, all you need to do is go down to your nearest Swab for Prizes centre and provide a tiny sample of pleghm from inside your mouth, which is being used to ensure no-one enters twice (thats all), give them some basic info about yourself and thats it. You are then issued with your very own Prize Card which shows a photograph of yourself along with your all important competition number.

Everyone is being strongly advised to carry their competiton card with them at all times as new prize winners can be announced anywhere at any time and you cannot claim if you dont have your card on you.

Mr Clarke shows off his brand new Swab for Prizes Competition Card

'The Swab for Prizes scheme is a demonstration of how well we are doing economically. Its a little thankyou to all the British people for making this such a great country to live in', explained Home Secretary Charles Clarke.

'The best thing is we are not just rewarding the top business people, we are rewarding everyone who has a distinct chain of DNA and is willing to provide a sample of it.'

People are encouraged to think of their Swab for Prizes competition card as a perpetual lottery ticket which could win them big, big prizes when they least expect it.

Several off-shoot programs have already been approved to help include absolutely everyone in the biggest national forced lottery of all time. These include the Swab and Dine program for the hungry and the Swab for Brew program for the alchoholics.