The new Sperm Converter machine with simple to follow instructions

The first in a new line of self-service sperm donation units are being trialled across the country this week. The machine known as an Automatic Sperm Converter (ASC) will be available 24 hours a day allowing members to instantly exchange sperm for cash.

The ingenious self-service machine is capable of measuring the donated quantity of sperm to precisely 100th of a cubic millimetre and then quickly scanning the semen for quality and viscosity. After the donation has been analysed the donor will receive a cash payment based on the quality of the donation.

The initiative has been developed in light of research from the fertility watchdog which shows a dramatic fall in quality sperm donors over the last 20 years. Findings from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) suggests that men in 2005 are far more reluctant to donate sperm compared with those from two decades ago.

The initiative aims to boost the dwindling number of donors in the UK by offering an experience that is both comfortable and profitable. The HFEA suggest that many men today see sperm donation as a charitable gesture like blood donation rather than a way to make to make money for selling a valuable commodity.

Susan Suede, chairwoman of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority said: "The new Auto Sperming Machines are a breakthrough in the re-fertilising of our nation. Every evening gallons of grade-A sperm is being flushed down the toilet by young men who can now earn more money for more pornography by simply popping down to their local ASC machine".

Donors can expect to earn anything from 50p to £100 for a good load, which is still less than the traditional clinic fee but the spunky think tank believes donors will be happy with this due to the convenience and quickness of the new system

Potential donors, however must be registered via their GP before they will be entitled to use the machine. Registered donors will then be issued with a swipe card which will allow them access to the machines full functionality, but will only permit a maximum of 1 visit per week.

A happy volunteer shows his approval for the new machine after a succesful test run

Critics of the scheme have suggested that the machines are likely to be heavily overused on Friday and Saturday nights especially after pubs have closed which will lead to disproportionate amount of alcohol ridden sperm flooding the fertility centres.

"It is inevitable that the sperm converters will become a place of refuge for many men heading home from clubs and bars alone", explained Dr Michael Wilks head of British Medical Association Ethics Committee.

"There is even a danger that some men may choose not to go home with a female at all for fear of missing out on their weekly cash payout, eventually leading to less drunken women becoming pregnant to someone they've just met, ... wait a minute, this is a good idea".

The hope is that as a people become more familiar with the machines, the current taboo of donating sperm will diminish and the idea of nipping out to the spunk bank will become as normal as nipping out for some eggs.