Front Page
April 2006 Issue 8
Top Story
Tory leader blows 'hip youth' disguise, admitting he thinks Westlife are cool
Johnny Wilson lies motionless after a 6 hour
session of cigarette smoking defiance

An autopsy report has revealed that tragic smoker Johnny 'Boy' Wilson suffered a fatal heart attack after a massive injestion of nicotine during a bravado driven smoke-off on the final night of legal indoor smoking in Scotland.

It seems Mr Wilsons determination to smoke so many cigarettes came from his indignation at the new laws that were to be enforced the next day. His absolute fury at the changes in the laws probably gave him the adrenelin that allowed him to smoke such an enormous amount.

Friends of Mr Wilson who were with him on the night explained how his determinatoin to make the most of the final hours of indoor smoking lead him to cosume over 11 packets of Regal King Size, a total of over 200 cigarettes.

Close friend Dave Barrows explained how the night had unfolded, "we were aw sittin about the pub just like usual except Johnny kept bangin on about how he hated the fact that he couldnee smoke in his local anymore. He had a fag in each hand, one in his mouth and he was smoking and screaming that he'd damn well make the most of that night."

"We all thought it was just a laugh", said pub regular Boab Simpson, "we were aw saying 'calm doon Johnny, theres steam comin oot yer ears', but that was just the smoke backin up through his nasal passage"

Coroners reports revealed that Mr Wislon had injested enough nicotine to floor a young camel and would have had no chance of survival even if his friends hadn't taken 30 minutes to stop laughing at his convulsions.