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April 2006 Issue 8
In Brief

Non-compulsory id cards only needed if you ever want an ambulance

Menzies outlines new Lib Dem nap and tea break manifesto

Public swearing fines could be a real cunt for everyone

God judges that Blair was wrong to invade Iraq

Entertainments

Biggie Smalls spotted defacing Tupac albums at Tesco

New bi-sexual war movie set for Summer box office smash

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Top Story

'Evangelical Kneviel' unveiled as new Christian right recruitment mascot

Christian Voice leader Stephen Green presents the new recruitment mascot 'Evangelical Kneviel'

Members of the extreme religious organisation, Christian Voice, today launched an optimistic recruitment campaign in the shape of 48 year old motorcycle enthusiast 'Evangelical Kneviel'

Kneviel, real name Darryl Thomson, has been hired by the over-serious Jesus fan club to spread the ethos of true belief through mediocre motorcycle stunt performances.

Stephen Green, National Director of Christian Voice, outlined plans to take Kneviel on tour and hopes to use the allure of the motorcycle stunt performances combined with ultra-right christian beliefs to woo new members into the group. Full Story >>

Vigilant Scotsman suffered fatal nicotine overdose during final indoor smoke-athon

An autopsy report has revealed that tragic smoker Johnny 'Boy' Wilson suffered a fatal heart attack after a massive injestion of nicotine during a bravado driven smoke-off on the final night of legal indoor smoking in Scotland.

Friends of Mr Wilson who were with him on the night explained how his determinatoin to make the most of the final hours of indoor smoking lead him to cosume over 11 packets of Regal King Size, a total of over 200 cigarettes. Full Story >>
 
Other Headlines

Pocket ball scratching condemned under new anti-paedo-bill
Today was officially the last day for men in the UK to legally scratch their balls through their trouser pocket in public.
A new legislation which has just been passed through the commons now makes it illegal to touch your own genitals anywhere in public.
Full Story >>

Pressure groups push to update the term 'politically correct'
Pressure groups have begun pressing for the term 'politically correct' to be changed after a new study revealed that a small section of the country feel it is an exclusive and out dated term which has no relevance to them as they have little or no interest in politics or anything political.
Full Story >>

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